O foaie dintr-un carnetel imaginar al alegerilor

Suntem produsul alegerilor noastre. Ne construim viata pietricica cu pietricica, o pictam in culorile pe care le vrem, o gandim dinainte si o asternem pe o foaie imaginara desenand un traseu pe care-l vom urma. De multe ori ne abatem de la traseul respectiv din cauza unor mai mult sau mai putin importante lucruri ce ne distrag atentia de la calea cea dreapta. Ne alegem scoala pe care o urmam, jobul la care vom lucra ani de-a randul pentru a ne construi o cariera, ne alegem prietenii si persoanele dragi. Impartim si diversificam pe baza unor criterii ce tin de educatia primita, de principii de intamplari si simtaminte. Viata noastra e rezultatul alegerilor facute, fie ca ne convine sau nu si pentru asta trebuie sa ne asumam responsabilitatea. Pe parcursul acestor ani am facut mai mult sau mai putin , alegeri gresite, dintre care unele care m-au afectat enorm si mi-au crescut sensibilitatea la lucrurile si persoanele din jur. As fi vrut sa existe din nou o ciorna pe care as putea sa rescriu trecutul cat si prezentul. As fi alcatuit un document plin de taieturi si sublinieri, corecturi si modificari pe care l-as fi lasat deschis sugestiilor si modificarilor ulterioare. De pilda, daca m-as trezi candva si as vrea sa sterg momentul in care am cunoscut pe cineva, sa pot face asta si odata sters sa se stearga si momentele ce au urmat, impreuna cu slabiciunile si toate sacrificiile pe care le-am notat candva. Din nefericire, lucru asta este imposibil si trebuie sa-mi asum ceea ce am ales si sa incerc pe cat posibil sa fac o modificare drastica in cursul vietii mele. Oamenii din jurul tau nu sunt acolo sa dai vina pe ei si nici sa le arunci tot ce-i mai rau in fata.

“Omul devine cu adevarat om atunci cand isi asuma intreaga raspundere pentru ceea ce este: asta e primul curaj, cel mai mare curaj.” Osho

O petala dintr-un gand

As rupe o petala de trandafir din buchetul anilor mei si-as sufla spre ea aer cald si as trimite-o spre nori, as lasa-o sa zboare incet spre cerul albastru, iar parfumul ei sa indulceasca fiecare picatura de ploaie ce curge din nori. Astfel incat picaturile cand ar ajunge jos, pe asfaltul umed, sa formeze o mare de parfumuri imbietoare ce ne-ar rasfata simturile si ne-ar imbata de fericire. O fericire din aceea colorata si dulce pe care numai un miros de trandafir ar putea sa o raspandeasca in aer, atunci cand gandurile-ti zburda spre nicaieri si simturile sunt valorificate la maxim.  S-ar auzi un zgomot de vioara in linistea noptii, undeva acolo departe, un cantec trist ce-ar celebra visele noastre marete de dragoste. Un cantec pe care tu l-ai auzi in cealalta parte a lumii, oriunde si oricand, fiindca e cantecul unei inimi ce isi doreste sa mai traiasca clipe de fericire nespusa. Toate anotimpurile ar intepeni, preschimbandu-se in zane aducatoare de bucurie iar fiecare dorinta a noastra, a mea, s-ar transforma in realitate la fel de usor precum zboara o petala de trandafir in vant. Ploaia ar cadea usor peste palmele noastre ca lacrimile unei bucati de speranta, dupa care cerul s-ar insenina intr-un petic de un albastru azuriu rasfrant de razele soarelui ce ar cadea blande pe chipurile noastre. Am fi tu si eu intr-o lume creata de dragoste si pace. Si totusi trezirea e atat de dura…

Ingeri

Am avut un vis…. visam ca eram intr-o incapere intunecata, in flacari, fum, incercam cu disperare sa ies si toate caile de acces erau blocate. Simteam cum se ridica fumul tot mai greu, caldura devenea insuportabila,  razele soarelui abia patrundeau de pacla groasa de cenusa. Vroiam sa alerg, vroiam sa ies, vroiam sa vina cineva sa ma salveze, in gandu-mi se revarsau tristeti nemasurate si amintiri de neuitat. M-am gandit la noi, m-am gandit la copilaria noastra, la sufletul nostru pur, la clipele noastre de bucurie. Ma gandeam la fericire, atat de greu de cuprins intr-o singur fraza daramite intr-un singur cuvant, momentele de glorie si secundele de dragoste pe care le-am impartasit. Ai fost acolo cand am avut nevoie, si pe masura ce fumul inecacios se intindea de-alungul coridoarelor, ma simteam din ce in ce mai aproape de cer. Si in atmosfera asta de iad, printre resturile de mobila arse pe podea, printre fum si cenusa, ai aparut tu, cu ochii tai blanzi, cu mainile tale calde, cu bunatatea ta nemarginita, m-ai luat de mana si mi-ai spus sa nu-mi fac griji ca tu esti acolo, oricand, pentru mine… Si apoi cu bratele tale puternice m-ai ridicat din flacari si m-ai purtat spre iesire, mi-ai aratat calea ce trebuie s-o urmez si mi-ai ramas ca un inger intotdeauna in spatele meu sa ma protejezi. E ciudat ca dupa atat timp, imi reamintesti ca trebuie sa te am in gand, ca trecut , prezent si viitor. Apoi m-am trezit, in zgomotele unui santier , m-am asezat la geam si am privit soarele cu melancolie pentru prima data azi. Mi-e dor de atingerea usoara a aripei unui inger…

Lost and found

I listen to each drop of rain falling down on my dirty window pane, whispering some kind of secret of humanity. Suddenly, in the darkness, in the gray of the outdoors I hear a thunder , it’s a thunder that speaks to us of the lack of the sun on my dark street. I descend to the great outdoors with the burning desire to take a walk, because the heat in my home makes it so difficult to bear. It’s raining, with big and heavy tears, they fall on my shoulders and I feel like their dampness is putting out the ceaseless longing for you. On lonely alleys in the park, I wonder , just me and my umbrella, a restless soul in search of a dream. The benches line up at an equal distance towards me, their green dye has turn to gray, that dirty gray, dirty of black mud mixed with water. The naked trees rustle, swinging their lifeless branches in the wind. The flowers lower their faces to the ground as the plenty drowns their senses. Empty alleys, naked trees, empty benches, abandoned playgrounds. An old building looks as if it greets me in a sober and lonely way, with tall doors, old and almost rusty , with an abandoned big and empty tower. Wild ivy makes its way, defending its territory all around. I let myself lured by this antique building, thinking of the astonishing resemblance with my life. Through that big door , split slabs creaked under my footsteps, a smell of rot and a lugubrious noise of the rusty doors shut, behind me. Inside old furniture and dust graciously scattered on the floor, a colony of ants welcoming me by running everywhere, on the walls, great paintings with abstract drawings, with their black frames, touched by time, in the corners spiders make their way by weaving a thin cobweb that they use to capture food. As I move forward through each and every room, deserted all of them, lonely such as I., I find a chest of drawers, within it, a box with ten letters or so, love letters, bitter love, sweet love, sprinkled with sand and drowned in the tears of a fantastic creature. I went down the stairs, bloody tears dripping from the roof. Downstairs, I let myself sit on the black floor, letting free all my thoughts. It was getting dark outside and the rain wouldn’t stop pouring. The creature looked at me, and with no fear smiled and said: You’ll be fine. I felt an absolute silence, a calmness never felt before, how could it be so, when I carry the hardest burden of them all: disappointment. I stepped outside and the rain had stopped, the clouds had scattered leaving the warm sun rise again, alleys filled with flowers, people, happy and smiling people. My dress was white again, the trees were green again and so were the benches I once saw empty and dark. No more despair, no more tears, no more emptiness. Like a phoenix reborn from its ashes,  I woke up thinking that only I can fix my mistakes, only I can color the clouds , the flowers and the grass in my own cheerful colors.

Wonderland

If I had one wish to share, I’d choose to fly, spread my wings and fly, just like a bird. I would be free and all of my fears will have become nothing and all of my hopes will have been cherished and not in vain. If I could choose how my life would be, I’d prefer that the only sound I hear, waking up in the morning, should be the sound of music, and all that I could see when my eyes open for the first time could be the image of a little shining ray of light that sparkles in the morning sun, and all that I could bear would be the affection and the love that should be present in our every day behavior.  I would like to live in a world that’s full of  love  and happiness, where there’s no greater joy than a smile that lights up your face. Where flowers bloom in the early morning sun and birds sing their happy lullabies. If I had one wish , I’d wish for sensible and hopeful people, for there’s no such thing as impossible for a brave heart. I’d wish they all had simple yet powerful dreams, and they would all posses the strenght to do whatever pleases them. I dream of a world where there’s no sadness and no madness, where dreams always come true and everybody is happy. Where children are cheerful as they should be, and where nature is grand and beautiful.  I’d wish for all that and more, as I know my wishes may one day come true, I lay awake and think about all that’s great in my life, all the little pieces, I listen to all my favorite songs and dream about my perfect little world. I know I’ll never get the whole, but at least I’ll know I’ve tried and I will have obtained a small portion of my dreamland in the eyes of love in all its forms.